Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
