I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
