It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
