I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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