Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
