Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
