i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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