I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
