I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
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I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
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And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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