I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
