I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
