Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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