I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
