You can't special order awesome
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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