i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
