you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
