I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
