Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
