dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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