Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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