you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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