I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
