Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight