Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.