I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
