I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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