Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
