You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
