This is not my ceiling
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
