Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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