Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
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I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
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Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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