All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
