I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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