as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
