Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
