youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
