Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
