its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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