So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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