happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
