just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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