marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
ttyl tear gas
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
