I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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