Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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