rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Never joke about your clitoris.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
