omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
