to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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