I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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