No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
