between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
