soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
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