he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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