i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
