I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
