Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Boobs speak an international language.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
