He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
