be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
