you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
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i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
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I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.