you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
