i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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