i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My bed smells like the plague
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
